Monday, January 14, 2008

Smack down at the gym.

Ok so there really wasn't a smack down, but there coulda been! If I'da been feeling a little more sly and sassy, or down-n-dirty, or lean and woulda been ON!

Today was my first day back at the gym since Christmas break. You see, blonde rascal is waaaayyy to cool for the kiddie babysitting room at the gym. Yes even though it is really neat-o with slides and tubes and balls...there are some things that 7 year olds just won't do. Of course school started back last week but with my schedule last week, too many quilty classes, I could only squeeze one gym day in. So this week I am back on track with the gym. Back to this morning...I am on my treadmill, walking. Running is my choice of poison but with the previously mentioned 2.5 week break from the gym PLUS eating like the Big Foot during those 2.5 weeks I felt a little speed walking today would be good to reintroduce my lackadaisical body into physical movement. Since I am walking I am watching the TV, which is a fun treat because I can't watch TV while running. Nope, I have to listen to righteous tunes on my I-pod while running to stay pumped up.

I am walking along minding my own bidness watching that ever perky and cute Kelly on "Live", and some girl gets on the treadmill next to me and immediately her phone rings. She talks to that person, hangs up and it rings again! She was on the phone the entire time she was on the treadmill? What the heck? Are you that important that you can't stay off the phone while in the gym? And just exactly how strenuous of a work out are you going to get while ON the phone? I had my earphones in but I could hear that she was not like a Dr. on call being paged or something, it was all chatty cathy stupid stuff. Why even BRING your phone into the gym? I know there are certain urgent circumstances like when you REALLY need a haircut appt. and are waiting for your hairdresser to call back...but come on just to talk about the Golden Globes or something...seriously leave the phone in your car!!!!!!

So I was getting mildly irritated by her, when low and behold bouncy blonde ponytail girl gets on the treadmill on the OTHER side of me!!! Nothing wrong with bouncy blonde ponytail girls....but this particular one makes me want to loose my mind! While running I have to I have to be in a rhythm, be in the zone in order to keep my endurance going...and with this nut by me I loose all concentration. Bouncy blonde ponytail girl inevitably gets next to me and proceeds to run like a girl. This makes me crazy because #1 it looks stupid and #2 it is ineffective. If your arms are flailing about then you are not propelling your body forward. She is just making it harder on herself! This should be none of my business she can look silly and be ineffective all she wants because it is a free country but I just want to shake her and say "LOOK MOVE YOUR ARMS FORWARD NOT SIDEWAYS!"

However even more irritating than her flailing arms is her method. I can NOT figure out what she is trying to accomplish. She starts running, girl arms flapping away, and then she cranks up the speed to like Flo-Jo speed and THEN holds on to the side rails!! So her feet are flying while she is holding on to the rails. What is that doing? It is not any indication of her speed because she is not engaging her whole body! She does that for like 10 seconds and then back to girl run. Then she jumps off and rests for 20 seconds, then walks, then jogs girls style, repeats the whole show...for about 11 minutes and then she is done. So there is all this crazy movement with no meaning! I don't know if she has the intent of becoming a runner or what, but she is not building endurance, or speed, or stamina or even burning significant calories with her circus act!

Again, none of this is my business but when she does this right next to me, or even one or two treadmills away where I still see all of her spaziness in my peripheral vision, it jacks up my workout!!!! And, by the way, it is all about me afterall! ; ) I just want to shake her! And after I tell her about her arms I want to say "What in heavens name are you doing with your freak show treadmill performance...I can't stay in my zone with all of your erratic behavior!" None of this would matter if she was next to me just once. But oh no, all last spring she would show up weirdly at the same time as me and get next to me or at least in my peripheral vision. It is not just me, you see I asked Christmas Cookie Lorie one time if she knew who bouncy blonde ponytail girl was and she said "you mean the one who..." Oh yes, that one!

So this morning I am sandwiched between chatty phone cathey and bouncy blonde ponytail girl. I had not seen bouncy blonde ponytail girl in 8 months, I really thought she had given up and then out of the blue there she is. My eye started to twitch. I felt like it was some sort of sign like maybe I need to quit going to the gym. The ONLY thing that would have been worse would have been perfume. There is nothing worse than running my little heart out, and someone gets on the treadmill next to me who has just applied ridiculous amounts of perfume, which promptly befouls my already taxed lungs!!! Why for crying out loud would you put perfume on when you are going to the gym to sweat and will come out smelling like a hog no matter what???? It should be a stated gym rule, do not wear perfume! The exception being those who come straight from work, but by then the perfume has had all day to wear off.

I think the next time someone next to me on the treadmill has freshly perfumed themselves, polluting the air I am sucking in, then I am going to fart. There. I said it and I am not apologizing for it. I may even get a t-shirt that says that to wear to the gym.

Alrighty then, now that you all think I am some sort of psycho nutso freakazoid I will go get on with my day! I don't know where that thrashing rant came from but I sure feel better!

Buhbye! Have a nice day!


Anonymous said...

You are a psycho freaknoid, but that is why we love you!!!! In response to your colonix post, I spent the morning in the doctor's office with my oldest. Abdominal guessed it he is WAY backed up. Maybe I should take you and Dr. Natura more seriously!

yellowfarmhouse said...

Girl you are a hoot. LOVE your style of writing and I hear you on the gym thing. Free country - but sometimes things are just to hard to watch, LOL.

Hugs - Karen

Staci said...

Brooke, you crack me up!!! If you ever do rip one while running, I think you should look over at blond ponytail chick and wink at her for good measure. Bet she'll never take a treadmill next to you again.

Mary said...

Thanks for the jogging lesson....................

Anonymous said...

Brooke, I am so glad this blogging is of therapy to you. That is too funny!!
Lori E.